- The Hot Prophet
A gentleman’s club for the devout Christian. This would act as a modern house of Mary Magdalenes. The ladies would dance to Bible verses put to music, and after every song, the devout Christians are able to either lecture them about finding God or give them money to buy clothes. Either way, your Christian customers will leave feeling smug, self-righteous, and holier-than-thou. Please note that you and your employees will probably be on the road to hell, which will become evident by the multiple people who will tell you such, every day.
- Electoral Votes
A system that allows hypothetical incompetent people to become the leader of the free world when the majority of said free world didn’t vote for them. It may also cause the beginning of the end of the world, for this hypothetical incompetent fellow may also be the antichrist. Oh.. my mistake this is already a non-hypothetical tragedy.
- Organized Crime
A home-organizing service that employs only ex- convicts. A great way for them to get back in the game. Training would be needed to develop a knack for misdirection. I mean some may call it pickpocketing or petty theft but in fact, it’s just great clutter control. You can give them a fresh start and get yourself a new Rolex with an engraving that reads “Bye Felicia”
- The Exterminator
Help people fake their own death and run away to Bora Bora. The family takes care of the funeral. All you have to do is deal with some sketchy people to get fake passports and I.Ds. Honestly, don’t even do it for the money they would pay you. Do it for the amazing blackmail opportunities. #You’reWelcome
- Rent a Friend
This is perfect for those of you who don’t want to do any real work. Rent yourself out as company, at an hourly rate. Pretend to be some loser’s friend or friend-with-benefits, but that’s your business. Maybe that option’s only for the attractive customers. If there are any…there won’t be any.